It is no surprise that a lot of weird stuff happens everyday, but what is suprising is the amount of screwed up daily happenings accounted for by our favorite (read: annoying) celebrities.  True, Joe Schmo and dozens of toothless hillbillies leave babies in cars, have sex with animals, or try to rob convenience stores with forks, but that’s Tennessee for you.  With as few celebrities out there as there are, it’s amazing how much they can screw up.  Even more frustrating is their ability to continue to succeed anyways despite drug addictions, odd fetishes, and an overall penchant for being the biggest train wreck of the week.

All of this leads us to ask, “How the Hell…?”  And believe me, there are hundreds of deserving endings to that question that should be asked of our Hollywood counterparts. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of 5 burning questions I have for the Hollywood scene, questions many of us have thought but few have written about until now.

 

Bunz’s hair screams Oscar greatness…

5) How the Hell did Jamie Foxx win an Oscar?

            Sure he won an Oscar for his portrayal of Ray Charles, but can we give anyone an award with a straight face after watching him star in 1997's “Booty Call”?  Don’t get me wrong, I understand that Foxx has an ability to wear sunglasses and bob his head around, the extent of his acting in “Ray,” but I can’t help but picture him wrapped in saran wrap as Bunz trying to perform “safe sex.”  The real award should go to Foxx’s agent for landing serious roles for an actor whose defining career moments feature “In Loving Color."

 

 

We could make fun of Nick Nolte, but seriously, what would be the point?

4) How the Hell did Nick Nolte find a women to impregnate with his child?

            Nick Nolte is having a baby, which means he found some sad soul of a woman to sleep with his washed up ass.  This makes me wonder, for lack of better words, WHY???  I have to assume that Nick Nolte has been sleeping on a bed of money from the royalties to “48 Hours,” unless he’s successfully squandered his riches on grass and liquor, a theory entirely possible after viewing his earlier mugshots.  Another theory is that Nolte’s lady friend was confused as to whether she was with Nolte or Gary Busey (they’re like the same person!) In any case, I’m certain the birth of a Nick Nolte child will look like something out of “Alien.”

 

Nothing says good parenting like mixing uppers, downers, and random vagina flashing, as demonstrated here by Britney Spears.

3) How the Hell has Britney Spears eclipsed Kevin Federline in bad parenting skills?

            His idea of work is knocking up celebrities and collecting an allowance, but despite all that (and some other character flaws), Kevin Federline looks like a fit parent in comparison to Britney.  Aside from walking barefoot in public restrooms, driving with her kids unbuckled in her lap, or shaving her head, Britney’s also managed to find time to check herself into rehab and lose her panties in a much publicized photo. (Editor's Note: Actually, several photos. Three new ones were posted on the internet September 11th, which of course rivals the World Trade Center attacks in terms on national tragedy.)

  We can only wonder if her own children would wear clothes, or just roll around in gas station filth like their mommy.  With Federline we won’t get much better but at least we’ll know they’ll wear underwear even if their pants do hang down to their knees to prove it.  If all else fails, at least he can put the kids to bed with one of his many hit singles such as…hmm... on second though maybe he could just read them… on third thought since K-Fed probably can’t read he should just hire a nanny with some more of Britney’s money. Better hurry up before she blows it all on crack or head wax.

 

I don't see a problem here. Jacko was simply going to test the paparazzi’s ability to catch a baby from 10 stories up!

2) How the Hell did Michael Jackson fly below the radar in 2007?

         We haven’t heard much from the King of Pop this year.  Technically this means he avoided weird happenings, but we’re so used to it from the “King of Kiddy Pants,” it’s weird in his own right.  Don’t cry for MJ though, surely he’ll get into some trouble despite a lack of boy touching this year.  Rest assured he still has 4 months left to make headlines, and with Jackson that’s ample time to hold a baby over a balcony or visit an overseas petting zoo.

 

A screenshot from the new Resident Evil movie. No, but seriously, someone get this woman a hamburger!!!

1) How the Hell does Carson Daly get work?

            Is he getting on anyone else's nerves at this point?  Not only is he the worst late-night talk show host, but it’s extremely annoying to see someone with that dark of a tan at 1 a.m.  His latest decision to rival Nicole Richie for “Skinniest Woman in Hollywood,” is curious, but to each his own I always say.  The worst part is that this man has been given more chances to annoy us than any other human being.  First, he teased us by pretending to bring back music videos to MTV, only to play 30 seconds of crap and 29 minutes of teens screaming.  Then he started dating Tara Reid only to ruin her hotness for every other man alive. We can only assume his decision to postpone their wedding ultimately led the breakup which turned her into one of Hollywood’s biggest trainwrecks.  Now we have to watch him dirty up the nighttime airwaves.

 

 

 

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