How To Tell If Senator Larry Craig Is In The Stall Next To You

Everyone loves having someone tell them how to do something. Look at yourself. You are fat, lazy, and probably don't know anything. That is why you are looking at a "How To Guide"! You need a step-by-step outline explaining how to do simple tasks because you are an idiot. Well, lucky for you, I have a "How To Guide" on something useful. Not one of those how-to-raise-your-stupid-kids guides. No one needs that. Just throw them in their cages and put food in there twice a day. Nope, this guide is going to help you tell if Senator Larry Craig is in the stall next to you. You don't want him to play footsie with you while you are on the throne do ya?

Step 1
Do you notice any peculiar tapping of the feet in the stall next to you? This is a clear cut sign that Larry's foot is on its way over. The tapping of the foot signifies his desire to perform a lewd act. Move your foot immediately! Otherwise, a game of footsie will follow and you will lose half of your pride and dignity. And everyone knows the only way to get that back is by pushing an elderly person down a flight of stairs. You can do jail time for that. So just don't play footsie.

Step 2
Does the guy next to you have a wide stance? And by wide stance I mean is he doing the splits? That is the only way a man's stance could be wide enough to touch you. If this happens, then you either have a gymnast or a pervert in the stall next to you. Both will try to solicit you for sex, so when the foot slides across punch it with your right fist and then your left. No one can perform lewd acts with a broken leg.

Step 3
Do you see a palms-facing-up hand wiggling underneath the side of your stall? Does it look like he might be grabbing for something other than a piece of paper and more along the lines of something of yours? Something PRIVATE? Well, if you see this, you might have Larry Craig next to you. He will have a gold wedding ring on and lack any decency, pride, self respect, or reputation. Once you see the hand, immediately hand it a pile of your own feces. This will let the Larry Craig know that no sex will be given; only piles of poop.

Step 4
Does he hand you a business card after you exit the stall? Does it say Larry Craig? Does he ask you if you are impressed? If this happens immediately punch him in the throat. He is probably undressing you with his dirty Republican-family-values eyes. You don't want that. Your dad is a Republican. So conversly, it is kinda like your dad undressing you with his eyes. Do you see the problem now? Punch him.

Step 5
At this point Larry Craig should be on the floor. You have punched him and it is now your duty to turn him into police. He will more than likely plead guilty and then proclaim his innocence. Embarrasment. Em bare ass ment.

Remember:
Larry Craig is still on the loose. He could be in the stall next to you at any time. Be prepared. Read this guide and pass it on to your friends. You don't want to be the next victim of his foot tappin'-hand reachin'-wide stance, mother fucker.

pwned...