And the survey says...
Very few television shows can define a generation like The Family Feud did. The show's evergreen questions helped to bridge the gap between flower children and metal heads, and they continue to bring our nation together today. Where else but "The Feud" can you find out how many people out of 100 would bring an umbrella to the beach? How else could you discover that you were in the majority of American citizens by thinking that Big Bird was the most popular character on Sesame Street? How could you make everyday decisions without Family Feud?!?!?
You couldn't.
But the show wasn't nearly as glamorous at it appeared on your TV screen. Hundreds of man-hours went into every single survey, from the people in the think-tank coming up with the questions, all the way down to the creepy fellow on the street asking random people to name a kitchen appliance. But some of Family Feud's greatest surveys never made it on the air; they were left on the cutting-room floor and never broadcast for your viewing pleasure. But now, for the first time, only on Arabianmonkey.com, you can witness first-hand the amazing surveys that the rest of America didn't get to see.
SURVEY #1
Date: July 5, 1977
Survey Question: Where is your favorite place to shag?
Top answers:
Van- 42
My Bed- 25
Nature- 16
My Mom's Basement- 14
Missionary- 3
Reasons the Survey Failed: When we presented this question to two groups of test-families, both times we were unable to finish the game show. Within minutes, the two families were intermingling and getting touchy-feely at just the thought of "shagging," and Richard Dawson SURE AS FUCK DIDN'T HELP. The producers decided they didn't need to broadcast an orgy on live television, so we scrapped this survey.
SURVEY #2
Date: May 11, 1980
Survey Question: Name a toy you would bring into bed with your partner.
Top Answers:
Dildo- 30
Vibrating Cock Ring- 18
Anal Beads- 15
Spatula- 8
Rubber Duck- 2
Ball Pean Hammer- 2
Reasons the Survey Failed: Obviously either some people didn't understand the question, or have very bizzare sexual fetishes. We did not feel the need to broadcast these disturbing desires, nor promote the idea of bringing a rubber duck into the bedroom.
SURVEY #3
Date: January 26, 1981
Survey Question: What did Richard Dawson drink before the show?
Top Answers:
Whiskey- 27
Bourbon- 21
Scotch-20
Gin- 8
Beer- 8
My entire liquor cabinet- 7
Reasons the survey failed: At the peak of his alcoholism, Dawson was apparently upsetting the wrong people working for the show, namely the survey writers. Although this survey was actually performed (and is quite humorous), we decided to nix it from the show as to not upset our family audience (there may be some parents out there who haven't explained to their children why Mr. Dawson acts in such an odd manner on the show.)
Hello, I'm Richard Dawson, and I am a drunk.
SURVEY #4
August 1, 1985
Survey Question: Do you like Metallica?
Top Answers:
Yes- 89
No- 10
Who's Metallica?- 1
Reasons the survey failed: We did not accept this survey for three reasons. One, it did not fit into our standard format, where "yes or no" questions are highly discouraged. Two, it was submitted by that fucking pothead Aaron in the mail room, and three, the one person who didn't know Metallica was hence ripped into pieces and devoured by nearby metal fans.
SURVEY #5
Date: May 2, 1999
Survey Question: What one word would you use to describe our new host, Louie Anderson?
Top Answers:
Grotesque- 28
Frightening- 21
Hideous- 18
Obese- 15
Cross-eyed- 10
Sexy-2
Reasons the survey failed: We generally don't like to poke fun of our hosts with our surveys... especially since in this case, he could devour us without warning.
Hello, I'm Louie Anderson. My father was a pug dog and my mother was a meatball.
SURVEY #6
Date: November 11, 2003
Survey Question: What's the real name of our host?
Top Answers:
Al Borland, from Tool Time- 78
Grizzly Adams- 13
My uncle Ted- 6
Richard Dawson- 1
Reasons why the survey failed: We found out three years later that his real name was Richard Karn, but we always called him Al. We did not want to admit our embarrasment over the issue, so this survey never aired. Side note: Apparently our surveyor asked Richard Dawson this question...
Insert Home Improvement joke about Al's mother here.
SURVEY #7
Date: February 19, 2005
Survey Question: What color panties are you wearing?
Top answers:
White- 4
Red- 2
Black- 2
Reasons why the survey failed: Our surveyor was unable to complete the street survey. He was maliciously slapped several times while gathering the answers from the first eight women- but while talking to the ninth woman (who turned out to be a man) he was punched in the face and subsequently kicked until he passed out in a pool of his own blood. He awoke in a rudimentary jail cell, and was told that he had been arrested for lude conduct in public. We still haven't bailed him out.
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