(Orlando, FL)- Pacman, the American gaming icon, was found dead in a Florida arcade game today. He was 27.

Pacman passed away from an apparent massive heart failure. An autopsy was performed inside an orginal NES Dr. Mario cartridge Thursday afternoon, where doctors discovered that all four of the ventricles leading into Pacman's tiny, puck-shaped heart were blocked up with the remnants of millions and millions of dots. Pacman's "dot abuse" had grown increasingly noticeable in the past several years, an addiction that many close to the Pacman family have deemed "a cry for help." Some individuals, however, were unaware of the dangers 27 years of dot-eating can produce.

"I didn't ever think he had a problem," said Inky the ghost in a statement released to the media. "He just seemed so content with eating the dots that I never stopped and thought about what it could be doing to his health."

Derek Graham had the misfortune of finding Pacman deceased in the arcade machine at a local pool hall. "I put my quarter into the machine, and the screen came up as usual," he said. "But then I looked and there were just the four ghosts, looking at me, crying and shit."

"I want my quarter back," Graham added.

Blinky and Sue, seen here mourning upon the discovery of Pacman's death.

 

Pacman's general bill of health had been in dramatic decline since the advent of home video game consoles in the 1990's. Pacman had nothing to do but sit around and eat dots all day, and this led to him gaining weight in excess of 35 pixels. "It got to the point where he couldn't even fit through the maze anymore," recalled Pinky the ghost. "We would all have to get behind him and un-stick him from a tight corner."

As well as gaining enormous amounts of weight, Pacman also began to have troubles outside of the arcade machines. His wife, Ms. Pacman, left him to begin a solo career. "He would just eat dots, all day, everyday. He wouldn't even run from the ghosts anymore, God forbid eat a fucking cherry or banana every once in a while. It was just dots, dots, and more dots." Ms. Pacman was clearly upset by her marital situation, and her ensuing lawsuit against NAMCO, Pacman, and Donkey Kong (unrelated barrell tossing incident) earned her full custody of their child. This is when Pacman hit rock bottom.

He became a shell of his former self, relying on "the dots" to get him through the day. "He would swallow the big dots even if we weren't around to chase him," admitted Blinky. "We started calling him names like Pigman, and Porkman, and Fat Ass. I think it just fueled his need for more dots."

Billy Mitchell, the self-proclaimed "King of Pacman," and the first person to ever play through the entire game, was grief-stricken when he heard about the loss from Ms. Pacman. He released the following statement Thursday:

"I remember long nights of greasing up my joystick, just me and Pacman, playing game after game on the arcade machine in my garage. He was like the father I never had- he was strong, he was silent, and he never, ever gave up. It didn't matter how full he was, or how many ghosts were chasing him... he was gonna eat all of the dots. Mr. Pacman will be sincerely missed."

Pacman is survived by his wife, Ms. Pacman, and his son, Baby Pacman. He also lives on through the four ghosts Inky, Pinky, Blinky, and Sue. Pacman touched the lives of millions of gamers worldwide. Rest in peace, Devourer of Dots, Master of Mazes, Swallower of Spooks.

We will never forget you.

 

 

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