Every warm-blooded American man loves three things- football, beer, and a good old-fashioned celebrity sex tape. But just like some football games are boring (the preseason) and some beer is unpalatable (Red Dog), some celebrity sex tapes could (theoretically) be disasterously disgusting. For example, recall the fattest, oldest, or most bizzare celebrity you can think of. Take that mental image of the vomit-inducing celebrity and imagine him/her/it performing hideous sexual acts on an equally hideous partner. Now project it across the internet- onto every celebrity smut site, onto every porn site, and even on your Yahoo! Homepage. Are you throwing up yet? Yeah, me too.

The following is a list of the top five celebrities that would ruin my entire life if a sex tape ever surfaced with them in it.

 

 

 

5. Jon Lovitz

Jon Lovitz is the kind of guy who can weird you out even without flaunting himself in a sex tape. He possesses that unexplainable "creepy relative" vibe, reminding you of all those times you cried yourself to sleep while wondering whether or not you should tell your teacher about his inappropriate touching. Jon boasts all the things I don't want to see in an amateur pornstar- sullen eyes, a comb-over, and three chins. I would rather eat broken glass than watch him bang out on some chick, especially considering the type of women that Lovitz could possibly lure into bed with him. Even Jon would agree with me. In his words...

 

 

4. Hillary Clinton

Few women can make a full grown man cringe like Hillary Clinton can. Why does she have such an effect on men? Why can't we just view her as a sexual object like every other lady in our lives? Perhaps it's our Freudian fear of empowered women... or maybe it's the fact that she looks like a pale sack of cow shit. The bright side about her supposed sex tape would be that Bill isn't necessarily in it- maybe infidelity runs in the family. Either way, I cannot imagine anything more appalling than seeing Hillary spread-eagle on a couch in the breakroom of the Senate, just waiting to get her undoubtedly hairy, smelly meat wallet pummeled by some dude. *shudder*

 

 

3. Meatloaf

Yes, I agree with you, watching a person have sex with actual meatloaf would be more arousing than watching this 350-lb. barge suffocate some unsuspecting woman. Put yourself in the moment- you are underneath Meatloaf. You can feel his gut envelop you and wrap you in a velvety, hairy fold of man. Beads of sweat fall like rain onto your face, chest, and shoulders. You scream in desperation as you wonder why your mother would think buying you backstage passes to a Meatloaf show was a good idea. The pungent smell of deli meat and stale cheese fills the room as Meatloaf humps desperately upon you. He wants you- he needs you- but there ain't no way he's ever gonna love you. But don't be sad... 'cause two out of three ain't bad.

 

2. Oprah

I was never a fan of "Oprah's Book of the Month," but I'd imagine I would be even less enthused about seeing Oprah naked. The worst part about her raunchy home video would be the fact that she wouldn't stop talking. But imagine the poor guy on the tape- no one wants to listen to Oprah during sex, ESPECIALLY when it is Oprah that you're banging out on. Oprah's sex tape would be unwatchable, even more so when you consider the likelihood that Dr. Phil is somewhere nearby, either waiting to join in or writing about you in his little black book. Unless you have a fetish for fat, rich, annoying black women, I would assume you'd never want to lay eyes on an Oprah sex tape.

 

1. Bob Barker

And finally, the number one celebrity that I pray NEVER has a sex tape... Mr. Bob Barker. Let's face it, hardly anybody wants to watch old people have sex. And unless you're a necrophiliac, NOBODY wants to watch dead people have sex. And although Bob hasn't officially gone off to host that big game show in the sky just yet, his body is decaying on a daily basis. Maybe someone should help him guess the price of a syringe of formaldehyde. Regardless, thinking about Bob Barker's limp, flacid penis is enough to make me wish I would lose my internet connection. Imagine him trying to mount a woman atop the big, spinning wheel. Is "Come on down!" the first thing you thought of too? The price may be right Bob, but the sex tape is wrong... so wrong...

 

Look on the bright side- at least Bob will wear protection!

 

 

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