Have you ever taken one look at celebrity and known without a doubt that they were a flaming homosexual? Without even knowing so much as their name, you could peg them as a guy who dug dudes or a chick who loved ladies. This is a comprehensive top five list of those celebrities you always thought were gay, but never actually came out of the closet.

Ricky Martin on the beach. With a dude. And they are...um...enjoying the sunshine. Or something.

5. Ricky Martin

Ricky Martin's full name is Enrique Martin Morales.This means one of two things- one, he owns a Puerto Rican restaurant, or two, he is incredibly gay. In this case, the name means both things- Martin manages a Hispanic restaurant in Miami's gay hot spot, South Beach, and as it turns out, he really digs some man ass. He has been sighted in New York clubs with gentlemen of the, er... homo persuasion. Martin has also defended gay artists time and time again, and when confronted about his sexual preference, he exhibits a classic sign of being gay- denying it. "I don't think it's necessary to either say I'm gay or I'm straight. I'm an artist, and you can take my poster and fantasize about me however you want," Martin has said, quite flamingly. The Latin artist also sang the 90's jam "Livin' La Vida Loca," which when translated to English, means "Living with some really gay dudes."

STATUS: 69% Gay

Can you see him kissing another man? Yeah, me too.

4. Clay Aiken

The runner-up in the American Idol competition a couple years back, Clay Aiken just looks like he should be gay. He speaks with a flamboyant lisp, and he rocks some seriously metrosexual attire and/or make-up. I have personally seen several pictures of Clay toting a man-bag, which equates to some obvious homo-curiosity issues. When asked whether or not he is a homosexual, Aiken responded to reporters by saying "What do you say (to that question)? ... It's like when I was 8, I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' Well, it didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes. ... People are going to believe what they want." Read between the lines here people. Clay Aiken wants to join Ruben Studdard, Simon Cowell, and Ryan Seacrest in a MANage-a-quatre complete with tropical daiquiris and a soapy loofah of some sort.

STATUS: 75% Gay

"Oh geez! That's one biiiigggg bird! Silly goose!"

3. Mr. Rogers

Mr. Rogers, the king of early morning PBS children's shows, was a kind old man who really loved little kids. And when I say ''really love little kids,'' I mean that in the worst possible way. He spoke to his viewers in a very soft, tender way, annunciating every syllable with impeccable creepiness. He possessed a quiet demeanor and you could follow his eyes as he mentally undressed his audience of 8-year olds, while slowly removing his cardigan sweater and humming a spine-chilling melody under his breath. What most people don't know about Fred Rogers is that he was a sniper while in the marines, and he also served as a Presbyterian minister (draw your own conclusions about all-male group showers and untrustworthy pastors). He was adept at lulling his young viewers into a state of trust before exposing himself briefly to the mailman, scarring every 80's baby for the rest of their lives. Okay, I made that last part up. Many people consider him an icon that truly cared about children, but I can attest that when I was a child, he scared the shit out of me.

STATUS: 81% Gay

This man ruined cowboys for a generation.

2. Jake Gyllenhaal

I used to think that Gyllenhaal was pretty cool dude back when he was in Bubble Boy and Donnie Darko, but I'm pretty sure Brokeback Mountain confirmed any suspicions I had about his sexual preference. In the movie, Gyllenhaal was directed to act out his secret fantasy- an open-mouth kiss with Heath Ledger. When talking to press about the incident after the movie came out, Jake didn't defend himself very well. "He grabs me and he slams me up against the wall and kisses me, and then I grab him and I slam him up against the wall and I kiss him," Jake said to reporters. "We were doing take after take after take. I got the shit beat out of me. ... We had other scenes where we fought each other and I wasn't hurting as badly as I did after that one," Jake concluded, now sporting a noticeable erection. I understand if some of you ladies out there still think that Gyllenhaal was just playing a character, and he is still a hunk on the open market. But that isn't the only reason he was so passionate about his part in the film. "As well as that, every man goes through a period of thinking they're attracted to another guy," explained Gyllenhaal. Sigh. Can you guess what Jakey-boy is? It starts with a "G" and ends with an "ay."

STATUS: 95% Gay

He'll kiss anything with a moustache.

1. Tom Cruise

I can see the headline in tomorrow's newspaper: "Scientology Discovered to be a Front for Closet Homosexual Celebrities." I don't think it would surprise anyone if Cruise came out of the closet tomorrow (including Katie Holmes). Cruise was once married to Nicole Kidman, but their marriage fell apart for undisclosed reasons. Many people believe that their relationship dissolved as a result of Cruise's affair with a male porn star named Kyle Bradford. Cruise sued Bradford for defamation of character, requesting $100 million in damages. All this tells us is that Tom is willing to pay any amount of money to hide the truth- that he enjoys oily back rubs from muscular young men. There are rumors that Cruise is HIV positive, and that Holmes is merely a publicity cover for an affair with Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas. Whether or not you choose to believe rumors is up to you, I'm just throwing it out there. However, it is this author's opinion that Cruise has the thetan levels of a Class-A Homosexual.

STATUS: 99% Gay

Honorable Mention: Vin Diesel, Status: 100% Gay. Turns out he really is gay. Who knew?

*Please note that this article is for entertainment purposes only. I cannot prove that any of the five men in this piece are actually gay, and although the quotes are 100% real, some of my analysis is not (i.e. Gyllenhaal's noticeable erection when talking about Brokeback Mountain)

 

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