Mankind has been plagued by many things throughout the history of the human race; famine, disease, poverty, and locusts, just to name a few. But never has mankind found a greater challenge than that from womankind. Men are generally incapable of understanding things that are seemingly second nature to women, things like love, compassion, and remembering to feed the children. But all hope is not lost- through my years I have learned to translate the things that women say into words that men can understand. This knowledge is invaluable, and I shall bestow it upon you now.

 

What women say: "Do I look fat in this?"

What men hear: "Do I look fat in this?"

What women really mean: "I don't give a shit if I can't zip up these jeans all the way, you'd better tell me I look amazing in this outfit."

Analysis: Women like to be lied to. Disregard the obvious self-esteem boost she gets from this ploy. When you make an attempt to lie to a woman, she takes it as a sign that you really care about her feelings. If she really wanted your opinion, she wouldn't ask you, she would ask someone she trusts, like a friend, a sibling, or the other guy she's having sex with.

 

What women say: "We can watch football tonight."

What men hear: "We can watch football tonight."

What women really mean: "You know that Grey's Anatomy is on. You also know that the Lions are going to lose. If you get up to use the bathroom, I'm going to change the channel and hide the remote."

Analysis: Women tend to say they like things that they really don't. This is simply an extension of a woman's tendency of hiding their true feelings and intentions concerning all issues. Never assume that your wife or girlfriend is content with something just because they say so.

 

What women say: "I love you."

What men hear: "I want you to buy me something."

What women really mean: "You'd better marry me and get a real job so that I don't have to work anymore."

Analysis: The best course of action when your wife or girlfriend throws out those three little words is to run away as fast as you can. But more than likely, you're going to repeat them, hence taking a nose-dive down the slippery slope to Commitment Town. Make sure to stop at the florist on the way there, because if she finds that icecream stain on the couch before the dog licks it up, you are F-U-C-K-E-D. Remember: women can fake an orgasm, but men can fake a whole relationship. Now get to it!

 

All women look like this when they get older. Fat, pissed off, and wearing an outfit comprised entirely of leather. Run. Run as fast as you can and don't look back.

 

What women say: "What do you have planned today?"

What men hear: "What do you have planned today?"

What women really mean: "Why don't you get off your fat ass and come shopping with me for four hours."

Analysis: Women can't grasp the fact that men don't like to shop. Some people believe if you die and go to Hell, that Hell is whatever you believe it to be. For most men, that hell would have a JcPenny's, a Mervyn's, and a food court.

 

What women say: "Get out of here! I hate you!"

What men hear: "I am releasing you from your indentured servitude early. Now good riddance, faithful servant!"

What women really mean: "You have pissed me off royally, so I'm going to throw all of your shit in the yard and avoid you for a week. Then, as soon as you start to move on, I'm going to tempt you back to me with my enormous breasts."

Analysis: Boobies...

 

 

 

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